A similar journey

A cohort of wives of third-year deacon candidates attend a retreat at Nazareth Retreat Center in Grand Prairie. (NTC/Matthew Redden)

When Cindy Mosco’s husband, Al, began studying to become a permanent deacon in 2018, she joined him in the required discernment classes, then participated in a separate formation process. The monthly meetings spent talking, praying, and sharing observations with the wives of other candidates helped her grow spiritually as a person and supportive spouse.

“My husband and I became more in union with each other,” Mosco said, describing the five years of preparation that culminated with his ordination in 2022. “We’re called to serve and not be served. Formation opened our eyes to seeing Christ in others.”

But the path to God “doesn’t come without challenges,” she quickly admitted. After tearing tendons in her ankle, the once active Good Shepherd parishioner didn’t walk for six months. While in Nevada to see an orthopedic surgeon, her house flooded. Then two beloved pets died.

Spiritual guidance gleaned from the formation classes helped her cope with the string of emotional and physical setbacks.

“I learned to be patient and to trust,” explained Mosco, a board member for the North Texas Catholic Women organization. “Nine months later I’m walking, the house is ready, and we adopted two dogs. You go through this journey with your husband, and you learn about service, but you’re also discerning what God is calling you to do — your own vocation.”

A unique experience

The spiritual formation that sustained Mosco during her health crisis is different from the program wives experienced when Pope Paul VI reinstituted the permanent diaconate for men after the Second Vatican Council in 1967.

When the first groups of men began studying for the diaconate in the United States, their wives were expected to attend academic classes with them. Decades later, revisions to the “National Directory for the Formation, Ministry, and Life of Permanent Deacons in the U.S.” changed formation for spouses.

“We don’t have to form women in theology and philosophy like before,” explained Paola Quintero-Araújo, assistant director of pastoral formation of deacons for the diocese. “We need to form them for two things. They must know what their husband is wanting to devote his life to, and we want them to find their own vocation within their husband’s vocation.”

Unlike a transitional deacon, permanent deacons are ordained members of the Catholic Church who are not studying for the priesthood. A deacon’s ministry involves preaching and teaching God’s Word, assisting the bishop and priest at Mass, presiding at funerals, ministering to the sick and dying, leading the community in prayer, baptizing, witnessing marriages, and exercising administrative leadership in the Church.

By some estimates, as many as 93 percent of today’s active deacons are married. Because the Church considers the marital union a priority, a wife must give written consent for her husband to enter a diaconal program. While the female spouse is not being called to ordained ministry in the Church, her role includes providing support and integrating the changes that may affect their marriage and family life.

Led by a team of certified spiritual directors, the monthly formation meetings for women concentrate on sacramental growth and the spousal relationship.

“Being the wife of a deacon is a unique experience and formation gives her an opportunity to understand and develop her own personal relationship with God,” added Quintero-Araújo, who meets with the couples during the discernment and orientation process.

Because men ordained to the diaconate make a radical vow of availability and obedience, “the couple has to become more intentional in finding time to grow and nurture the marital relationship,” she said. “Sometimes couples drop out of formation because they see how much of the husband’s time is consumed.”

Spiritual accompaniment

Victoria Tanco likes to refer to the work she does with the wives of deacon candidates as “enrichment” rather than formation. The founder of Reditus, a spiritual accompaniment ministry, she developed the curriculum used during monthly meetings.

Wives must be ready and willing to help their husbands in their vocation, and the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops recognizes the need to support that effort.

“The USCCB wants them to have their own appropriate times of gathering for learning, enrichment, and spiritual practices,” Tanco said. “It’s part of discernment. Wives have to be very sure they want their husbands to do this ministry.”

Time constraints and scheduling conflicts can make the formation period very intense for a family. During the five years from aspirancy to ordination, men are busy with classes, retreats, and pastoral internships while juggling jobs and other responsibilities. Wives are often left to deal with children and household chores alone. They find understanding and companionship during the monthly formation sessions.

“Our meetings are not a discussion, study, or support group,” explained Tanco, who oversees the program with help from spiritual directors Catherine Bartley and Clara Pitman. “It’s more spiritual companioning. Using a theme chosen for the year, there is time for Scripture, reflection, journaling, and sharing.”

Getting or giving advice is never part of the conversation.

“People respond by saying how they feel God spoke to them about what their ‘sister’ shared,” she continued. “We talk about the changes ordination will bring. Most of the time, they are very excited and open to what God is doing in their life.”

Semester retreats promote prayer, fellowship, and relaxation.
“They are on a parallel journey with their husbands, but we ask them to recognize their own individuality,” the facilitator added. “They are not just a deacon’s wife. We encourage them to be aware of their gifts and how God is calling them personally.”

Support and solidarity

After Mike Waldon went to a “Come and See” discernment event in the Diocese of Fort Worth to learn about the permanent diaconate, his wife, Maribel, never doubted he would apply for the ministry. While her husband continues to study and prepare for ordination in 2025, the busy mother of three young children finds the formation meetings a blessing.

“We knew it was a big commitment and that’s the beauty of being in a group like this,” she said. “I’m with other women who are walking the same journey, and we all have different strengths and weaknesses. You find out you’re not alone, and that’s a big comfort.”

When her father passed away, Waldon received support from other women in the program.

“It was nice knowing there were people praying for our family and had our back spiritually,” she recalled. “There have been a lot of helpful things in this process that bring peace and center you a bit.”

In addition to group gatherings, Waldon benefits from one-on-one time with a certified religious director — a service offered to wives during formation and encouraged after the husband is ordained.

“It’s been helpful to me personally to have someone that I can parse out questions about my own spirituality and personal journey,” said the Franciscan University and University of Dallas graduate. “Some of it has to do with the diaconate process but also my journey as a wife and mom.”