Consistently inconsistent

"And yet, what amounts of time I have, though inconsistently, given to God have borne fruit."

I’ve been pretty serious about my faith for 45 years. I had a number of profound experiences of God as a teenager and this propelled me into a life of intentional connection to my faith and the Church. And yet, sometimes I feel as if I could be holier than I am, and I could have grown more than I have.

Historically I’m terrible at daily prayer, Bible reading, sitting in silence, regular confession, serving the poor, and pretty much all the things associated with being a good follower of Jesus. Yet, as much as I feel like I have failed at these things, after 45 years of striving, I can actually say I feel like I’ve grown some in all these areas.

How has this happened? I’ve been consistently inconsistent. 

For the most part, I have not let my inconsistency stop me from consistently trying. Even though I continually fall off the horse, I’ve come to understand that horses (at least spiritual ones) were made to fall off of, and as such, I’ve made friends with the ground. 

Along the way, I’ve also learned that God is great at picking us up, brushing us off, and helping us get back on the horse.

I suppose part of the reason I feel I should be farther along than I am is what I see in other people whose faith I admire, not to mention the lives of the saints. There is so much growth to be had, so much faith to be experienced, so much intimacy with God that seems to elude me, and so much more depth of encounter with the living God to be had than what I have experienced thus far.

I also see all the missed opportunities for growth, so many hours that could have been spent in prayer, study, and action. Sure, I have participated in many spiritual activities on some level, but I’ve for sure spent way more time watching the Rangers than reading the Bible and more time mindlessly scrolling the internet than mindfully meditating on the love of God.

And yet, what amounts of time I have, though inconsistently, given to God have borne fruit. Just like the world around us that is in growth mode fueled by inconsistent rain and blistering sun, so too our faith can grow even with meager effort on our part.

How can this be? Well, even though we can be consistently inconsistent, God is consistently consistent. God joyfully takes whatever we give Him, takes it into His effusive heart, and turns it into beauty and holiness.

Working on growing in holiness from the age of 16 has taught me that progress is seldom a steady upward trajectory. Rather, it is full of peaks and valleys, stops and starts, and, in a word, seasons.

Just like the world outside our windows has a cycle of growth and dormancy, so too does our relationship with God. The one thing we want to try to avoid is jumping ship — though even when we do this, God goes into Jonah mode and keeps after us, giving us opportunity after opportunity to get back on track. 

Success is an erroneous word when it comes to holiness; after all the only true measure of this is the beatific vision, which happens (God willing) after we die. 

Instead, I strive for movement in depth and breadth. Meaning, deeper connection and broader knowledge across my experience of God, prayer, sacraments, Scripture, service, and all the other spiritual practices our faith offers to draw us into relationship with the Triune God.

Steady growth might be the goal, but sometimes being consistently inconsistent is a viable way forward.